"Where Do I Start, Lord?"

By Mary Mesikapp

My husband, Ken, and I had placed our paperwork, and completed our home-study to start our family through adoption. We had been married almost ten years, had tried infertility treatment, and relocated to Colorado. My new friend, Tammy, led me to a Bible study, my first ever, in the book of Romans. I had dedicated my life to Christ on September 5, 1996, and was on fire for the Lord. I was in awe at how He loved me and wanted a relationship with me. Through the trial of infertility, I was able to see I had no control, and I needed to yield my life to His plan.

Amazingly, six weeks after my dedication to live my life for Jesus, we got the call from Bethany, our adoption agency. A birth mother had chosen our profile, and wanted to meet us in a few days. We made plans to meet the birth parents. Usually, a social worker is present at this initial meeting; however, our social worker was unavailable. The social worker helps to guide the first and many other meetings between birth parents and potential, adoptive parents. It is a potentially awkward time with a multitude of feelings from all in the adoption triad (the adoptee is the third part of adoption).

A Child to Call Our Own

The road trip took us to the other side of Colorado, over Red Mountain Pass. We traveled in white-out conditions during a severe snow storm that would ultimately close the mountain pass after us. I think it was the first time I ever prayed out loud in front of my husband, because the roads were treacherous; in fact, at one point the road was closed temporarily due to an avalanche. We stayed at my father-in-law’s home, then traveled from Durango to Grand Junction. The road trip took seven hours from Durango, 2–3 times the normal time.

Our meeting went extremely well, and although the birth parents, Ken, and I were incredibly stressed, we felt a deep connection with this couple. We went our separate ways so that each of us could process the possibilities and the future. Ken and I prayed for God’s plan and an incredible peace came over us. In the midst of chaos, we were led by words and actions during our conversations with our potential daughter’s family. What could have been scary, overwhelming, and difficult felt peaceful and so ordinary. A child to call our own was a possibility.

Within a few days, our social worker contacted us to say that the birth family agreed that they wanted to place their precious baby girl with us. Halloween 1996 was a blur. We had plans to make including airplane reservations to pick up our daughter in Grand Junction on November 4, 1996, baby items to purchase, and cradles to borrow. Coincidentally, my twin sister had sent us to Colorado with an infant car seat and bedding saying, “There may not be time later for me to get these things to you.” Our friends and family prayed for God’s provision, and praised the opportunity for our family to form.

The placement day took place at a biological relative’s home. Our social worker had been with this family all morning, and had provided numerous counseling by phone. The birth parents shared with Ken and me details of Lauren’s care: what formula was used, sleeping and eating schedules, and ways to calm Lauren. There were many tears from both sides—tears from her birth parents for loss and tears from Ken and me for amazement at God’s provision. Yet, there was a tone of melancholy for this couple, and their willingness to trust us to raise and love Lauren as our own. Ken and I took turns caring for Lauren, holding her, feeding, and changing her. This was just the beginning of our lives together. There were many conversations about faith and trust in God.

A Tiny Cross and a Bible

Prior to our trip, Ken had purchased a necklace with a tiny gold cross, and a Bible for her birth mother. We wanted her birth mother, especially to feel a connection to us and God. The cross represented a simple, but hard to completely share, token of our love, commitment to our daughter, and God’s place in our lives.

Lauren’s birth mother (I will call her Brittany) and I were sitting in the kitchen table holding hands; I shared with her our hope for Lauren’s future and a relationship to Jesus. My dialogue with my daughter’s birth mother during our placement day was amazing!

Through tears Brittany said, “I have never done anything as important as this in my life; but, I feel like it is the best thing I can do for my daughter.”

I supported her by nodding through my own tears. The responsibility of raising our daughter with a love for Jesus, and the knowledge of the sacrifice her birth parents made for my husband and me weighed heavily on my mind. I responded, “I can’t imagine the pain you are going through, but I know God does, and He is here with us right now.”

Where Do I Start, Lord?

Feeling the Lord guide me, I gave Brittany a Bible, and shared how God’s word was peace-giving, and the guide for my life especially during trials. It was a deep emotional experience tempered by the hope found in God’s word. When I handed her the cross and Bible, she said through her tears, “I know there is a God. But I have never been told how to read the Bible and know more about Him. Where do I start?”

I was speechless for a brief moment and then I felt the Lord prompt me to share my Bible lesson for the week, Romans 5:3–5. I replied, “Romans 5:3–5, is the verse that kept me together and at peace throughout the preparation of this special day.” We turned to that scripture in the Bible and read it together. I prayed with Brittany for Lauren, for our relationship with her birth parents, and also for God’s peace and comfort to all involved.

Romans 5:3–5 is the one scripture I still return to in my daily life. The hope we have in Him can sustain us in the trials we face. I have been where she was many times thinking, “Where do I start, Lord?”

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. –Romans 5:3-5

Through it all, I am thankful for the trials and the opportunity we are given to share the love of Christ with these precious young men and women. They make a heartfelt sacrifice, and we benefit greatly by loving these special children. Praise God! May we be the example to them that He calls us to be.